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motherTraditionally the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom have had very different roles, with the mother of the bride doing most of the wedding planning, and the mother of the groom being advised to “show up, shut up and wear beige.” Nowadays both sides of the family and the couple themselves tend to chip in, so the roles have changed somewhat, and that can often cause conflict. Here’s how to avoid it!

Put yourself in her shoes...

Your mother is probably secretly quite emotional about all of this and is perhaps even a little perturbed by the fact that her little girl has grown up. The fact that you are getting married is irrefutable proof of the matter. For the mother of the groom, her feelings are possibly similar, and she may even feel ambivalent towards you as she now has to “share” her son with you! This might seem unreasonable, but it is a natural emotional reaction, so try to be understanding and not to lose your temper.

Use language

If one of the mothers appears to be taking over, use subtle linguistic hints to get the point across that this is not her big day, but yours! Refer to it as “our” wedding, rather than the wedding to underline that this is a day for you and your fiancé, and that you want to make some of the choices for yourself!

Take advice with grace...

And try not to see it as a criticism! She probably really is just trying to help, and it may be hard for her to understand that your vision of the big day doesn’t match hers. It can be dangerous to tune out as well – sometimes Mum really does know best, and can come up with some real gems!

Get them to talk to each other

If your mother and his mother have got you feeling like piggy in the middle, then get them to discuss their different visions in a relaxed atmosphere, perhaps over a glass of wine or maybe even an arranged pampering session. You should also take this opportunity to tell them about your vision of your big day!


Yes, it is your big day, but just how important is it to you that the napkins are folded in a certain way, or that Aunt Mildred is sitting at table two? If is important, put your foot down. If not, let her have her way so that you can put up a fight for the issues you feel strongly about by gently reminding her that she got her way before, and that this is important to you for your wedding day bliss. She cannot help but understand... if it is very important to you, do not give in! You will only regret it.

So, to deal with your mother and your future mother in law, all you need is tact, negotiation skills and a pinch of compromise... and if any mothers are reading this article, remember this is their day, and try not to stress them out, although if you feel you have important advoce do not hesitate to give it.

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